Saturday, April 18, 2009

Beyond Codependency


Each moment in time we have it all,
even when we think we don't.

Melody Beattie


Codependence is described as a disease that originates in dysfunctional families where children learn to overcompensate for their parent's disorders, in order to cope, and develop an excessive sensitivity to other's needs. The term "dysfunctional family" originally referred only to families with patterns of interaction associated with alcoholism. It is now, however, recognized as a disease occurring in family systems based on "denial" or "shame based rules."

Living in this environment is much like walking through a psychological minefield. This includes a wide spectrum of pathological emotional interactions in families, but there is always an avoidance of confrontation and inability to resolve conflict. Adult children of dysfunctional families often suffer from a sense of confusion and deprivation, that has continued into their adult life, as well as low self esteem. So, in order to compensate, they are highly approval driven individuals, which often puts them in the position of being taken advantage of, exacerbating the situation.

I highly recommend Melody Beattie's book, Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time, which several years ago, literally changed my life. Certain people in your life may be experts in demonstrating toxic and abusive behavior. They behave in certain ways to provoke or seduce their victims into reacting in certain ways.

Melody Beattie suggests that if we stop giving them the reaction they want, we take all the joy out of it for them. And here's a point that's very important to realize; when you refrain from being controlled by their seduction, regardless of how irrational and rude their behavior is, you then remove yourself from their control and take away their power over you.

It's an on going process, but I've come such a long way. Thank you, Melody for giving me the confidence to rise above hurt and control and embrace a stronger, happy and liberated life. You're a good friend to have.

66 comments:

  1. This sounds like a great follow up book, and I will check it out. I am a firm believer in a stronger, liberated and happier life. More power to you Willow.

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  2. I did a lot of John Bradshaw work, same topic but more agressive. Hard thing to get away from, very powerful post.

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  3. The manipulative person is really difficult to notice - especially if they are your family member. The thing about the codependency - is that though the child who become an adult may try to overcompensate their childhood and be the "better" parent. But in their attempts may end up being just as harmful in a different perspective.

    The book seems to be a great tool to have and share with the family.

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  4. Very interesting stuff. My dad was left with a new and different personality after a car accident when I was seventeen. I left home to avoid the escalating tension and I've always felt like "girl - interrupted"

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  5. I will have to get that book too! Her Codependent No More is excellent and it's helped me so much! Thanks for the recommendation and a very succinct explanation of codependency! Blessings, lisa

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  6. Sounds like a good book--glad it helped your situation, Willow! I read 2 books after my divorce, years ago, called "The Dance of Anger" and "The Dance of Intimacy," by a woman who was a psychoanalyst, and she did a lot of work in what she calls a "genogram," where you work on those relationships in your "family of origin" and learn about your own interactions in that space. It was fascinating and helped me similarly. I've never forgotten it.

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  7. This is a really important topic, & you put codependency in a nutshell as well as I've seen it done. Thanks.

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  9. *hugs* from a fellow FORMER co-dependent. My family used fundamentalist religion to shame and control. To this day I have a total aversion to religion, period. I don't follow religion of ANY kind.

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  10. well, well, well.

    ...very interesting, i knew we a more in common than our brilliant humor.

    i know her books well. and i qualify somewhat. { lol}
    have you read ( differnet autor)'a road less traveled'?
    or 'people of the lie ???'

    'people of the lie' is a mind blower.

    years ago when i was started reading this stuff, all my friends were reading john bradshaw.

    also , get your hands on a book called ' the gifted child'


    hugs xxx's

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  11. Very succinct explanation. It's a bit late now, but several years ago I think I could have used the books "A Brush with Color" recommended. Thank you for such a thoughtful post.

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  12. She's a wonderful writer! And her books are so helpful. I went through a phase in life long. long ago of being introverted (I shared a part of that time-frame tonight on a post) and what followed was a time of trying to overcompensate, 'fix' everyone, make everyone happy. Codependency can have serious consequences if not dealt with. I recommend her as well and have her books!

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  13. Family systems are incredibly powerful. And they run the gamut from open to closed, authoritative to authoritarian. There is a whole science on the subject, and believe me, it is comprehensive. But one thing that I came away with after years of study - was that we have the ability to "re-write" the way we would have liked our lives to have been and that's with our own family right now. There is great healing in raising a family the way we would have liked to be raised.

    Great post - thank you for sharing.

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  14. Somehow it seems that everyone at one time or another might benefit from the insights you suggested here. Interesting that controlling our own reactions strips the other of their power. Good stuff here.

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  15. From what I read on your blog, I'd guess you've come a long, thoughtful way on your journey. Well done.

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  16. Nice post, Willow. I don't understand anyone being dependent upon another for their happiness, but I have a lot of friends who are in that position. It is impossible to help them. They must want to help themselves.

    I guess my kind of work depends on my being very dependent. Luckily, my husband is independent, too. We are both retired, but I have my photographer and he has his art and other things. When we are at home, we are usually working in the studio together on our separate projects.

    We make dinner and movie dates, and always try to get in a day trip somewhere each week, especially in the summer.

    Maureen mentioned John Bradshaw. I saw one of his programs on PBS years ago. I am not sure why I watched him. I just turned on the TV and he was just so happy and engaging I got caught up in him.

    I hope this post of yours encourages some people to take that first step.

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  17. She gave me the strength and the will to stop the cycle. It is indeed a wonderful book and an amazing woman for writing it. It is nice to know that we are not always alone.

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  18. Willow, I too found understanding about myself from Melody's writing as well as a couple of other very helpful books. It took me some time to change my erroneous thinking patterns, but I was determined to do so because I wanted my children to have a healthy role model. I so thankful that they have turned out to be pretty amazing adults.

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  19. my work these days finds me in the midst of this often. great description, will have to check out the book. thanks for being real.

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  20. This is going to help people understand why they feel the way they do in their relationships. Useful explanation.

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  21. I love Melody too. I have been reading the Codependency no More for years.
    I love how you have summarized her book you posted about. Thank you, I can't wait to check it out.

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  22. Ah Willow, you have a clear understanding of what the thing is all about. Never heard it described in such a way. Thank you for the reminder. I read this book almost, what...25 years ago?... Timley to review the principles.

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  23. The topic of codependence has always interested me and I've never actually read one of MB's books... I should look her up :)

    Great post and rich responses to read as well!

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  24. A most thought-provoking post. I will indeed look for Melody's book and the four that Renee suggested.

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  25. Hi Willow,
    It was a seminal read.


    P.S. I am still posting. Blogger has a problem and my new posts are not being feed to other bloggers' bloglists so it appears as if I am stuck with Florence!

    I am feeling very lonely today!

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  26. it feels so good to finally find the high road in this thing called life - good for you Willow! - none of us flys under the radar.....

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  27. Your have a very thought provoking post here.

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  28. I applaud you for recognizing, and having the guts to work on, the problem in your own life. That's all any of us can really do - try and control how we react to those around us. We cannot change them, but we can change who we are around them.
    Wonderful post!

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  29. Hi there!

    I can relate to the post above. Mine is a sort of dysfunctional family because of my Dad but I try not to get affected because I'm the oldest and all. Also, it's true that I sort of have a low self esteem and confused about things. At the end of the day I disregard all bad thoughts and cover it with positive thoughts - that's why I always like cheerful places.

    "Melody Beattie suggests that if we stop giving them the reaction they want, we take all the joy out of it for them."

    -True, that.

    It's also really great to know that this book somehow changed your life. :)

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  30. In many instances, not only codependence, reaction is the motivating factor. In canines, there are really only two reactions, either toward a thing or away from a thing. I'll bet if we really looked at our selves, all of our response are based on one or the other.

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  31. willow, it's like putting windex on a window that hasn't been cleaned, maybe ever. funny how even the strongest, competent, and generally self aware people among us still have to do the work of understanding. and once done, we're free. good for you, willow. enjoy your moments. and thanks for posting this.

    :)

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  32. Thank you, Willow,
    for this book recommendation. I shall look out for it!

    I second Renee's suggestion, Alice Miller's "Drama Of The Gifted Child," (at least that is what I think she meant). Powerful reading.

    I wish you a happy Friday,
    full of joy in being yourself,
    Merisi

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  33. HI, just found your blog and reading the first post I am taken. I am still at the begin of my way but very glad have found a like minded spirit. Thanks for being out there sharing. Paula

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  34. wow, willow, i'd never have imagined you having any tough issues to work through, you seem to live such a beautiful life. :-) if this book helped you give that impression, it's definitely working! :-)

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  35. Hey ! Merci Willow. I see she has many titles. The dysfunction you speak of is the reason for my clinging sadness & fear. I will definitely look her up promptly at my library site.

    And here's a petite treat for you. And in honour of poetry month how about a little of one of our greatest national treasures. Monsieur Leonard Cohen

    An interview I listened to yesterday on one of my fav CBC radio shows Q - cbc.ca/q

    www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugh8Xe6hX7U

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  36. Melody Beattie's insights and wisdom has had a profound effect in my life, too.

    Kudos to you, Willow, for recognizing this inspirational lady and best wishes to you for continuing healthy relationships in your own life.

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  37. Hello Willow,

    I did not realise that this is what the word codependence meant! But you have caused me to search further and I'm glad to know more now.

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  38. good luck on your work with this. i have read her earlier book and others on codependancy. i found them helpful with my own interactions with people melded with Buddhist persepectives.

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  39. These books sound great! (And a really well done review, by the way). I have to say that I never really connected some of those ideas before. I guess it's time for me to head to the bookstore!

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  40. And thanks to you for this recommendation and for opening your heart to us all. We usually hanker for what is outside when change should begin within.

    Greetings from London.

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  41. Thank you for such a candid open explanation of codependency. I am not familiar with Melody's book but it sounds like a book with the tools to change one's life. I spent 2 years in an intense support group and renewed my life view. We are all our best heroes.

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  42. Self preservation = happiness

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  43. Very interesting subject. I've never heard of the author...

    P.S. Your new avatar is so cool! :-)

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  44. Years ago I worked at a residential home for children who were either physically or sexually abused as well as children who were psychotic either through drug use or through their own genetics. I learned so much about the destructiveness of bad and abusive parenting. I lasted 3 years in that job, which was the average length of time employees lasted there. It could be a very depressing job at times but I learned so much. I never will forget the time I spent there working with children.

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  45. A very interesting theory, which I am sure is true. At a simple level it is always true to say that if you stop giving your persecutor the reaction he or she desires then you have won and are stronger for it.

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  46. This sounds like a must read Willow. Thank you for the recommendation on such an important issue - great post, xv.

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  47. You write so wisely and passionately my dear friend. Thank you for sharing this bit of your life experience which, even though painful, so expressively helps to guide and inform others.

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  48. Willow, thank you for this post. I am not familiar with this work. I have heard of codependence, but I am not sure I coud have defined it. More to learn is always a good thing. It was evident to me from the first days of visiting here that you are a person empowered...with such passion and inquiry. No matter how you arrived at this phase of life...take credit for ALL that you are and may yet become!!!

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  49. Thanks, all, for your rich, kind and heartfelt comments. This has been very encouraging. Thank you, for all the additional reading suggestions, as well.

    Have a great weekend!

    Hugs and kisses,

    Willow

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  50. Hello Willow,

    I have come by your post by a good friend.

    Thank you kindly for the info of the book, there has come a time in my life where this will be very useful for me.

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  51. It's so easy to just take the day to day dynamics we have with others for granted. They say or we say something not very nice, they react in their predictable way and it leaves us with bad tastes in the mouth. Books like this wake us up a bit and make us realise that anyone can change.

    it sounds like you have had a difficult time in the past and I'm happy you have found peace and happiness now.

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  52. I'm with Maureen: powerful post indeed. Another case perhaps of all being happy in the same way and unhappy in different ways.

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  53. Oh yes I believe this "...we stop giving them the reaction they want, we take all the joy out of it for them..." That is typical for people with what I call, "needs." I even try it myself, from time to time, "Honey, will you get this for me, my back is killing me" and it usually works.

    I should say it really worked when we were first married, but now however, after 54 years of marriage, I am getting a response: "Get it yourself!"

    Excellent post. As they always are.

    Oh, and thanks for visiting two of my blogs.

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  54. Your recommendations are always so great...You are single handedly making my to read/to watch lists longer!
    I think the advice given works with people you work with as well. I've been trying a similar "method" to make a relaxing environment when I have to talk with "manipulative" people at work. It has been going well but it is important to stay focused and it isn't always easy. It is nice to have more people and books to learn from. Thank you as always!

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  55. Willow,
    so beautifully described! and congratulations on progress well earned and shared. Sounds like a great book. Hugs from the Midi.

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  56. I can relate to this post too, as you know! Your memoirs are going to be very interesting! And thank you so much for your personal encouragement to me! xo

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  57. Hi Willow, I am over from David's Sunday Roast. Very grateful to him for bringing me here. Your interview was great. But this post is greater. I can't wait to read the rest of your blog as I need to get Melody's "beyond Codependency...." NOW. I am in the middle of this dysfunctonal family. Your post has given me lot of hope. I only hope it's not too late to find a liberated life, than the current one.
    But I will be back to read more, if I may..
    I am glad I came over. your post is mindblowing.

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  58. This book, and another book of Melody's- "Codependent No More," have been bought, become dog-eared, passed along, and then re-bought in my house over the years. They are very powerful tools for change. Thanks for bringing this subject out into the light.

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  59. You have NO idea how timely this post is...but then again, maybe you do. Thanks for your eclectic blog of great interest to so many. Even recipes! I think yours is "blog nirvana" ...

    Best, Catherine

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  60. Congratulations of POTD! Lovely interview. I realize protocol would dictate I leave this comment in the post ABOUT the POTD, but I got to looking around and when I read this I stayed here.

    Excellent nutshell of codependency and I read her first book. I'll look for this one, too. It is a process and, no matter how much you think you're "THERE," somethng sneaks up and bites you in the butt.

    My posterior is in tact most days now, though. Have created huge separations to reduce just the interactions you describe.

    My home was very abusive and took my sister's life while forever separating my only other sibling and me. My heart goes out to Lynette who commented here. I just want to say, "Don't let THEM steal even more from you with their warping of what God truly is. It's not God, it's THEM." I NEVER do this but I'm posting a link to an article I wrote on Easter about this very issue if you'd like to read it:
    http://robynnsravings.blogspot.com/2009/04/easter-i-love-you-your-friend-robynn.html

    Sorry for the long comment. This one hooked me. Believe it or not, I'm usually a humor writer!

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  61. It's so interesting that I read this today...

    Last evening I lay in bed in Nathan's arms, literally hysterically shaking and sobbing, because something triggered a memory from my childhood; it shook me, and even now, my stomach hurts just thinking about it. My parents stole my soul for a very long time, and while I'm happy to have at least that back, they manipulated and pained everything that made my childhood tolerable. I don't have a relationship with my four younger brothers, who I love so much and think about every day, and that is the one thing that makes me truly angry. I thought, as of last night, that I had let everything go and put it behind me, but I was very wrong. Tough night.

    Anyway, I will have to pick up this book. It can only help! Moving forward is much sweeter when you stop looking back all the time first.

    (((Hugs)))

    Sarah

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  62. Thanks for the book tip. It sounds really interesting!

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  63. Just catching up after being gone for the long weekend.

    Sorry you're having problems with 'trolls'. So annoying. I can't imagine having to moderate comments when one has so many followers. Ugh.

    Love the sweet violet.

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  64. Thank you for this post. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and I still have many scars from the treatment I received and continue to receive. I will definitely look up this book. xx

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  65. Several years ago my therapist suggested I read Melody's book "Codependant No More." I still refer to it when I feel vulnerable or need to detach from manipulative, people or dysfunctional situtations. I can now embrace independance even if it means being alone.

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  66. Dear willow,
    Bravo
    This was very interesting and helpful. i was told "don't give them any feed back"

    This was a deep and heavy post.
    It may help alot of people.

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Inject a few raisins of conversation into the tasteless dough of existence.
― O. Henry (and me)