Tuesday, May 25, 2010

sorry, i can't eat that


I love to entertain, but I don't host nearly as many dinner parties at the manor, as I used to. One tricky thing about feeding a number of people is food restrictions. It seems today they are even more common than ever before--no red meat, no carbs, gluten-free, non-dairy--the list goes on forever. A host can go nutty trying to accommodate a crowd. If I'm hosting a small dinner, I always try to find out if there's any allergies or restrictions, a few of which I happen to have myself, ahead of time, so my manor guests can completely enjoy the meal.

Even then, it can be a minefield of potential hostilities. Years ago, we entertained a guest from Egypt for several days. One evening, after being out and about all day, we ordered gourmet pizza. Did he like pizza? Oh, yes, he loved it. Fine. Upon its arrival, he began asking about the pepperoni and if it contained pork. He became almost hostile, refused to eat the pizza, even if the pepperoni was removed. I had no idea he was a practicing Muslim with religious restrictions. Why didn't he say so to begin with? Embarrassed, I quickly cooked him some chicken. Thank God for the defrost feature on the microwave.

There was also a certain manor guest, whose list of food allergies curiously changed with every visit. I began to think this individual was pulling my bluff. They would sulk and hold it against me, if I happened to serve even one dish they supposedly could not eat. Eventually, I decided to include this person's mutable set of restrictions into the "short-term elective dietary" category, like no-carb or fad diets, which I think are okay to politely ignore.

My two cents? If you are invited to dinner, make sure you tell your host any major restrictions or allergies. If you're hosting, always ask. And that's all I have to say about that. Happy eating, my friends.



image shamelessly stolen borrowed from Bon Appetit

90 comments:

  1. Sorry I can't eat that
    is understandable -
    Sorry I won't eat that
    in intolerable.

    Jjj

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  2. I was at a dinner party some years ago when a guest..who had been asked what she did and didn't eat beforehand...decided that she could not eat the chicken she had been seerved...but she would have the chicken gravy that went with it...
    The mind boggled then and it boggles now.

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  3. I wonder if some people have lost their good manners. One may not particularly like something, but how about a little more social etiquette? It's much more endearing.

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  4. Hey, I like the clean look of your revised blog.

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  5. We had friends whose daughter was vegetarian - we actually enjoyed cooking for them because it took us outside our usual food realm. But that was easy, because we just made the whole meal acceptable to her & went along for the ride.

    I have stuff I don't LIKE, but nothing I can't eat. And I don't imagine that there would be meal completely comprised of carrots & olives, so generally I expect to find plenty of food to eat at any dinner party.

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  6. I'm such a freak out here in the Northwest because I don't eat seafood (it's not that I'm allergic, it's just that it's grody!) that it's usually the first thing out of my mouth when invited for dinner - "I'd love to - oh I don't eat seafood" saves a lot of potential awkwardness. ;->

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  7. just stay away from the lima beans willow and we will be fine...out of courtesy i will eat them...but if i pass out at the table you will know why. smiles.

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  8. I'll have the goat cheese pizza with the goat pepperoni and, oh ya, alcohol is also forbidden, but thanks for the $80 bottle of wine. I am so with you on this. If you are kind enough to ask about food restrictions, then how about an honest answer and keep the anger to yourself.

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  9. Oh, dear, can I ever relate to this. I had a tea guest who could amazingly eat anything she wanted at one event but then had to have total gluten free at the next, then back to being able to eat anything she wanted...It got so confusing keeping up with her!

    I also have to agree with Paul C. Some have indeed lost their good manners...My mother taught us that if you don't like something your host prepares for you( assuming it wont kill you or make you sick if you eat it), you eat it anyway followed with a smile on your face and a gracious thank you for the dinner invitation.

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  10. Oh boy, this sounds familiar! My friends include the vegetarian, the vegan, lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, and a host of seemingly always shifting eating regimes -- the no carbs, the high protein, the raw foods, the you name it and they won't eat it.

    I, on the other hand, can and will eat pretty much anything.

    But I always ask. And, like you, I don't do dinner parties all that much any more.

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  11. Just have to say that I am enjoying your new-look blog layout! You're giving great advice about guests letting hosts know if they have any food issues! Sure would save a ton of "aggro" for both guest and host!

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  12. I totally disagree. Just give your guests what's on the menu, and if
    they don't like it; so bloody what! It works for me, and my social circle continues to expand (with people you REALLY want)).

    Happy eating, Cro.

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  13. Also like the new look. Sadly, I'm that person. I'm a vegetarian who is allergic to gluten. I eat eggs, cheese, beans, fruits, vegetables and chocolate of course. It's sometimes a difficult boat to row but I manage. If it's a big party, I don't mention my restrictions because I can always find something, or I'll do without - my problem. If they have just invited us, I explain my restrictions and we work it out. It's easier for me to just have people over here and honestly, most of the time they don't even realize they are being served a gluten-free menu. I understand all the frustrations of trying to feed people like me, I deal with it every day.

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  14. Hey, thanks, Reno. I like the white. It's fresh, clean and easy to read. (Plus, I get bored so quickly with my own blog.)

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  15. I always ask about food allergies or dislikes as I want my guests to enjoy the food. And if they tell me they are on a diet, I offer to reschedule at a more normal time.

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  16. Spacedlaw, rescheduling is a great idea if someone is dieting. It's such a waste to work hard on a fabulous meal, only for it to be pushed around the plate.

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  17. Amen, how true. When I know there are diet restrictions for guests, I invite them to pick a restaurant and we eat out. It is simpler than accomodating everyone. I can sympathize with their food sensitivities because I have a few too.

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  18. I know exactly what you mean. It has taken all the fun out of entertaining.

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  19. Sounds like a guest problem to me. I think they should speak up beforehand or grin and bare it. I usually make lots of side dishes so there is something they can eat.

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  20. PS ~ That must have been a Freudian slip. I meant, bear.

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  21. Donna, "bare" actually works better in this situation! ;^)

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  22. This is one of my husband's pet peeves -- he is a chef here in Los Angeles and deals with the most ridiculous food restrictions you can imagine. One must be patient, I suppose, and it sounds as if you are!

    I love the way your blog looks, by the way! I think we picked similar new templates!

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  23. Yes more and more people tell me they are allergic.. When I was in my 20-30's I don't remember this anyway only one with Peanuts..
    I don't do dinner's alot. At Parties they can bring a dish they like and there is always a choice.. Good subject WILLOW,
    NOW CURRY , I won't turn down even if it blows my eyebrows off.

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  24. When I'm cooking for myself, I don't eat meat, and most often I don't eat dairy products, either. It's not a matter of allergies - just my preferred way of eating. However, when I'm invited out, I eat what's put in front of me. Kathryn Magendie and I were talking last week, and she described herself as a flexetarian, which term I've now adopted as my own.

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  25. A lot of it I think is attention seeking- as though going to the Manor for dinner isn't special enough- i swear you could serve me sh*t sandwich and i would feel honored!

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  26. Oh I love, simply adore your new look. I think it is the best yet. As for dinner parties - it used to be my hobby, planning and cooking and entertaining. Now I hardly do it more than three or four times a year.

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  27. do making food for friends; but there are some people who are so problematic (like your friend with the ever changing list of restrictions) that the best approach is suggest dining out!

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  28. amen! just a little forewarning can make a much more enjoyable meal for all :)

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  29. Oh, this post hit a nerve with me!

    I had a couple over for dinner and asked them about food allergies, no response. I made a yummy shrimp pasta dill vegetable dish, but when I served my creation, the man turned hostile, sounding a lot like your Muslim friend. In the end, I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (thankfully no nut allergies) and never invited them back.

    If I had only known - how can people not tell you!

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  30. I find I end up cooking to the lowest common denominator rather than running a restaurant menu - not satisfying for the cook at all.

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  31. One of my favourite comedy shows, "That Mitchell and Webb Look" recently did a sketch about this. A trendy kitchen we shown, and a man expressing surprise that, since he was carnivorous, the vegetarian hosts would not be providing meat. Eventually they settle on eating the cat....

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  32. Hee! I'm happy to say that I have no food restrictions...religious, dietary or selective. Especially selective! LOL! I'll gladly have one or two of everything at the manor! :)

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  33. I am always so grateful to be invited to dinner, have someone else cook and so forth, that there is almost nothing I wouldnt' eat as a guest. I might not cook it in my own home, but as a guest I would eat. Luckily I'm not allergic to anything but curry.

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  34. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKTsWjbjQ8E

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  35. Food should not be that hard! All these people with their 'I won't eat...' Get over yourself. I'm not talking about actual allergies. I really don't understand the hostility that goes with those attitudes. Why get angry at your host/ess as if they invited you over for the sole purpose of serving you food you can't eat. How childish. If you have a restriction and didn't tell anyone then the problem is yours and you should try to be as polite as possible. And people who have a lot of self-imposed food restrictions should just politely decline the invitation.

    I was reading another blogger's post today. she was at a dinner party and passed along a dish and the guy next to her actually physically recoiled from the proffered dish. Seriously?

    I am becoming totally fed up with how rude and self centered our culture has become.

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  36. I think I remember reading that article in Bon Appetit, if only I could remember how the writer got out of the conundrum! ;-)

    From what I have learned so far, the citizens of my new hometown are hardly ever inviting anybody but the most intimate friends into their homes (and even with those they meet more often than not at a restaurant). I think that is so clever! Business guests and acquaintances alike can so much easier order their own special food! I must confess that I have easily adapted to this custom. In fact, I now meet even friends over food or coffee outside my home and I must confess that I enjoy this new freedom from kitchen slavery.

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  37. P.S.:
    I LOVE YOUR NEW LOOK! :-)

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  38. I was going to have a long drawn out comment with this but honestly I think studiojudith said it best.

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  39. Well, I will eat anything except insects, I would be delighted to be a guest at the manor unless of course you are serving your infamous insect stew. You can invite me anyway, I will skip the main course.

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  40. In our social circle we mainly do potlucks, so everyone can bring their favorite meal. When I DO cook, it's mostly for the extended family and I know their likes and dislikes. I make sure my buffet table has at least one thing that everyone will eat. Makes for quite a few dishes!

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  41. If you have me for dinner, (or have me OVER for dinner), I promise not to bore. I do understand allergies - that's different and needs to be respected. But I always thought if something was served you couldn't or didn't want to eat, you just politely pushed it around on your plate and ate what you COULD eat. And you DIDN'T mention it. Better to go a little hungry than to offend a gracious and generous host!

    I try to eat organically and make healthy choices but NOTHING IS MORE TIRESOME than a litany of how many calories is in this, and how much fat is in that, and what diet/exercise program you're currently on and how it should be achieved, etc. Sigh. What happened to good old fashioned etiquette? It's really too bad that I don't lack for an opinion. Maybe you better leave me off the guest list! :)

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  42. Oh dinner parties guests can be quite insufferable, can't they? I agree with you, tell the host in advance if you have any allergies/food restrictions. That way, things should go by without a hitch. If only life were that easy...:)

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  43. Robynn, oh, I hear you! Someone I know always talks about how many calories are in each bite of everything on her plate, how many miles she runs every day and how much weight she's lost. Nothing like putting a damper on the meal. Maybe that's her appetite curbing technique, but I think it's rude.

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  44. You know, when I have dietary restricition issues or happen to, occasionally, be following a vegetarian, vegan or raw diet, I make sure to take care of myself. If I'm invited somewhere, I don't think it is incumbent upon the hostess to be a clairvoyant. I take something that can be easily and discretely consumed. If there are dishes I can eat, fine. If not, fine too! To me, having dinner with people is about the company more than the food.

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  45. umm, if you can't eat what the host is serving, bring along your own food...
    my sister who is gluten free has done this for years...but of course there is always something of the meal she can eat...and she bakes the most delicious gluten-free chocochip cookies...mmm.

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  46. I have lost most of my appetite as I am now on a no or low salt diet. And foods I did like are just not the same.

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  47. willow i eat anything except brussel sprouts which regardless of how they are prepared, just don't tempt me. otherwise, i love food of all sorts!!! steven

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  48. Dear Willow: Those are very reasonable requests; "Ask" and "Tell" if anyone should need special attention because they suffer from serious food allergies and/or religious reasons. However, if someone just dislikes a certain food for a certain reasons and complains vehmently I would be amazed at the "guest's" lack of manners. And never call food "stuff". As in "Can I have some more of that 'stuff'. How impolite! I'd undoubtly erase that person from my classy guest list.

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  49. Sooooo true, Willow--I am not a fussy eater, and really enjoy trying new things, so it drives me nuts how many people are phenomenally picky, but--as you say--they don't tell you they don't like certain foods or have restrictions. While for some it's true, they can't eat some foods, I think with some other people it's just an attention grabber. I've had a few guests who were so picky, I wanted to tell them, "next time, bring your own damn food!"

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  50. Personally it is exhausting to accommodate the food allergies, religious restrictions and food exceptions. One of my friends who lives with celiacs is so easy going and generally eats salad, fruit or something from the menu, never making the hostess feel bad. Moral to the story: a gracious guest is just as important as a gracious hostess.

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  51. Jojo, you hit the nail on the head!

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  52. Oh Sister Willow you are preaching to the choir with this particular sermon! As I wrote in my "Reggie's Rules For Popular Party Guests" when a guest in someone's house where you don't care for the food or drink offered to you, for whatever reason, eat what you can, and say nothing except how pleased and grateful you are to be invited into the host's home and entertained by them. Anything else is just plain rude.

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  53. Fortunately, most of my dinner guests come from Latin America, where food restrictions don't really seem to exist. I'm not sure why, but I've never actually known someone from Latin America who is allergic (though, obviously, I know there's many people from there that are). Nor do I know any South American vegetarians (again, there are plenty of South Americans who are vegetarians, I just don't know any).

    Interestingly, for years all of our Colombian and Venezuelan friends used to ask if I didn't eat meat...they had learned to be very careful to ask, because here in Canada food allergies and preferences are a much bigger deal.

    That said, it took one of my close friends (from Holland) years to tell me that she's sensitive to apples, carrots and kiwi - she would eat them politely without a word. The only way I ever found out was when we were eating at a restaurant and she ordered a dish and asked whether it had raw carrot...

    So, you're absolutely right - it's important to ask and to tell.

    By the way, love the new look on your blog!

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  54. Willow, I have been very allergic to fish since I was a young twenty-something. I have learned over the years it is better to tell people who invite you for dinner that you have problems with certain foods. The hardest thing is going to a wedding or other event where there are many platters and chafing dishes filled with unidentifiable foods. It is best to take the waiter aside with an empty plate and quietly ask him or her to identify what is being served. This has worked well for me over time.

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  55. I can handle dietary restrictions that are legitimately based on food allergies or religious doctrine, but judging from what I've read in your post and in some of the comments (and from my own experience), I believe some people are taking advantage. These people I put into the "fussy eater" category.

    "'Fussy eater' is a euphemism for 'big pain in the *ss'."
    -- George Carlin

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  56. EB, thanks for the link to the Mitchell and Webb clip! Hilarious!!!

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  57. Methinks your "allergic" friend is one of those fussy people who doesn't like anything. I feel sorry for them. Food is wonderful!

    Of my two daughters, one eats fish but no meat or poultry. The other eats fish sometimes and poultry but no meat. They always find enough to eat among the rest of the meal - or if it's a barbeque they bring their own thing for the grill. Neither would ever ask the host or hostess to accommodate their choices. The joy is in the sharing of the meal.

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  58. Unless one is allergic or has pre mentioned ones aversion in advance, one should have the manners to eat the meal without complaint. Its all about togetherness rather than the menu anyway.

    I remember a tea party I hosted for my husbands office. There were 8 visitors and every one of them had a different request.
    1 x black tea
    1 x tsp milk in tea
    1 x milky tea
    1 x Rooisbos without milk
    1 x Rooibos with milk
    1 x black coffee
    1 x milky coffee
    1 x camomile tea with lemon

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  59. I'm a lacto vegetarian. Just make me a salad and I am happy. I would never expect anyone who graciously invites me to dinner to whip up a whole new meal for me. Like Judith said, "Sorry I can't eat that" is understandable, "Sorry I won't eat that" is intolerable.

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  60. Sounds like my week....granddaughter number two doesn't like grilled cheese, but cheese toast is okay. Spaghetti? Sure if you keep the sauce separate from the meat and the noodles. Cereal please...no milk.

    My sympathies to you!

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  61. So far, blissfully, I haven't found I'm allergic to any food. Certainly, there are some things I don't adore. I've tried sea urchin many times over the years and it just doesn't impress me. Those fetal eggs aren't my favorite, either. I'm not a fan of well done meat, either, preferring mine nearly raw. But I learned manners and taught my sons to politely taste everything they are served when invited to someone's home.

    My poetry book - Life's Journey by Carmen Henesy - is out on Amazon
    ( Poems about the things that have been important to me in my journey through life, some humorous, some sad, some that may have meaning to you as well )
    http://www.amazon.com/Lifes-Journey-1-Carmen-Henesy/dp/1451547366/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274652997&sr=1-1

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  62. I think the big question surrounding this vexing 21st century issue Willow is Allergy vs. Sensitivity. An allergic reaction is a life-threatening condition. Sensitivity is a mild-moderate reaction. I will only cater for people with the former, not the latter. I let the latter group know if needed I have current CPR accreditation & will attend to them if I have to. That generally stops any dietary fussiness & they eat & drink with gusto. BTW MOTH, myself & the 5 sons are not allergic to ONE SINGLE THING, so dinner at your place will be a breeze!!!
    Millie ^_^

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  63. I'm surrounded by this with my friends. Advance notice perrleease!! Even notice to an eating establishment on a (what could be fun)night out or lunch would be good, instead of pushing everyone's patience to the absolute limit.I have two instances in the past week of going to a great amount of trouble, only to have everything picked over with the question, has this got a this or a that in it? My various friends combined list of allergies? No peanuts, flour, food colourings or flavourings, sugar-free and starch-free, yeast-free,gluten intolerant..and salads? Sorry, can't have the dressing. Then DON'T! Just let people know beforehand.How staff in hospitality manage is beyond me.We are so spoilt for food choices when many in the world have so little. (I have a spot open for a lactose-intolerant at present, but am not advertising too loudly). O.K. food allergies may not be fun, but neither is entertaining them.

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  64. With me it is easier to give a list of what I do eat rather than what I don't. Easier still to ignore the dinner and just meet up for a drink. Now I drink almost anything!

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  65. Okay - non-dairy for me, please, willow. My first (and last, I hope) venture into the finicky world of the specialised diet and one motivated by recent events. Otherwise, go for it - I'll be round tomorrow evening!

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  66. Willow,
    When one is a paying guest, then they may expect "their" dietary needs to be honored.

    If your invited to a dinner party; take it or leave it without complaint.
    rel

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  67. Hello Willow,

    I'm afraid I subscribe to the idea that dietary restrictions have become a fashion for many! And because I seem to be in contrary mood, I prefer your blog in the deeper colours that you have used previously. :0)

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  68. I was raised to eat & be grateful for whatever was served to me. My mother would lecture us before dining out at other peoples homes & remind us about using good manners. Elbows off the table, no talking whilst eating, saying please & thank you, EAT what is served you and asking to be excused from the table & thanking the host for the lovely meal ... and we did all of this!
    I understand that sometimes people simply can't eat some foods because of allergies but there is never, ever any excuse for rudeness or ungratefulness.
    I had an Aunt whom was having a special diet for a period & if when we had family gatherings she would just bring her own food...there's another option for fussy guests!!!

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  69. My girlfriend was recently diagnosed with gluten and dairy allergies. She sometimes finds it difficult or embarrassing to ask about food if we're going to dinner and whatnot, so it's always nice when the host asks. :-)

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  70. I find it incredibly embarassing to ask for "special treatment" and end up turning down invitations because I don't want to put anyone out, or explain -yet again- what will happen in my body if I eat certain foods. I don't ask my hosts why they prunes, how hard it was to get their husband to stop smoking, or demand that they also eat what I can.

    Potlucks have been better for me, where the ingredients are put out on cards. OR I just eat before I come over, arrive a little later with a delectable dessert that I can eat, and start from there.

    Maybe hosting get togethers are too food-focused?
    But what will we substitute that with?? Conversation about religion and politics?

    Best, (I do enjoy your blog!!)
    Ellen

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  71. Well, Derrick, I do aim to please. Just stick around long enough and I'm sure I'll be switching back to the dark background soon enough, after I'm completely bored with the white!

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  72. I am with you Willow...find out IN ADVANCE about allergies and if they cannot eat it I hope they would have the FINESSE to be polite!! Allergies...I can understand BUT the picky eater syndrome? GROW UP!

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  73. Carmen, congratulations on the book!! That's exciting news!!

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  74. I agree. I'm not the best dinner party host anyway. But I've just about quit entertaining more than 2 guests at a time.

    And I have some similar dietary restrictions so dinner parties are jsut too much of a challege.

    Then there is the challenge of what NOT to talk about, which sometimes extends past politics and religion.

    Maybe we could start a new trend: bring your own dinner and talk topic list. Now where are those invitiations I hid.

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  75. My five siblings and I were brought up to say "please and thank you," appreciate what was put in front of us and if we didn't like what was served politely decline. We were also expected to ask to be excused from the table. I brought up my children in the same way and now my grandson is learning the same good manners. I understand food allergies, but common courtesies are lacking in the approach too many people take in getting the message across.

    Bon Appetit!

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  76. I will eat anything you feed me. Period.

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  77. I sympathize but...my eyes went directly to the "guest from Egypt"...the odds of someone from Egypt not eating pork products is so high as to direct ruling out pork altogether. Whether a practicing Muslim or not.

    Same goes for Jewish guests, or non-practicing-but-raised-by-Hindu parents & zee vache. Etc.

    I see someone has used the two words 'social etiquette' - it doesn't require a modifier. But as a host, when one cannot ask directly (this has happened many times), one asks someone in-the-know. If one cannot do that (for whatever reason, here's what I learned from an old diplomatic hand):

    "When in doubt...leave it out."

    I heard someone complain about a diabetic recently & I nearly decked them. This person eats beforehand & tries to hide his condition, for heaven's sake. So that people won't think him rude. Yikes.

    I sympathize, I really do. I have a sister who, for the last 20 years, has changed her mind about vegetarianism - Lord, it seems like every other holiday. But you know what? I'm not gonna sweat it.

    ciao

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  78. I've discovered this much more with the children in my rarefied neighborhood on playdates. I worry so much about snack time, it drives me mad! Everything must be organic and practically artisanal!

    Funnily enough, their parents will eat any old thing...

    : )

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  79. I'm the pasta queen, and my friends rush to my table! And something chocolate for dessert..that's it..what's not to like?

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  80. You're so right. It IS frustrating. Fortunately, I only know two people (right now) with diet restrictions. Of course, one of them tends to not really eat anything unless they cook it themselves, but it doesn't stop me from inviting them over. They need a little more trust introduced into their diet :)

    Jen

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  81. Apparently I have no food problems; I wonder why my pants size has increase 2 fold.. hee hee
    :) The Bach

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  82. That's it, no more dinner parties at our house. Too much trouble. Let's just go out.

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  83. I struggle with the best way to handle this. I don't eat beef or pork, but I think it is rude to impose my preferences on the hostess or other guests. I can always find parts of the meal that I can enjoy and am very happy with that. I try not to bring attention to this so as to not make the hostess feel uncomfortable. I have on occasion eaten beef or pork so as not to offend the hostess, if it's someone I don't know enough to be comfortable with. It's good to have the insight from the other side : )

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  84. I cannot say enough about this. I am a caterer, and you would not believe the number of times I show up for a private party to cook, and I prepare the meal and the host comes into the kitchen and says, "will it be a problem to have 2 non dairy dishes?

    What can you say? you have to grit your teeth and run to the store at 80 mph...

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  85. good lord-after reading the 85! comments I am left with only this opinion- open bar-fix yer own drinks and bring a sack lunch...geez.
    Our guests have always been asked about food allergies and I've never had an issue with what I have served.

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  86. Empress, and I didn't even include my catering stories!! Sheesh!!

    Kathew, you must have incredibly wonderful friends and family.

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  87. Willow, with apologies to Kath and Kim, the solution has arrived. To take advantage of recent frenzied demand for meat free, crustacean free, gluten free, diary free, nut free, and today, afer I thought I had heard it all, 'is it onion free?', I am opening a new shop that sells only food free food!

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  88. It sure takes the fun out of a dinner party.
    I understand some restrictions, but enough is enough.

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  89. Yes I get that. i too have restrictiosn but am horrid at following them.hahahha, you'd think I was a devout Muslim or orthodox jew though as I don;t like Pork or crustaceons.

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Inject a few raisins of conversation into the tasteless dough of existence.
― O. Henry (and me)