our trek across the Midwest toward Kansas, I forgot one crucial item.
The snore machine. It's the little white noise machine I can't live
(or sleep) without.
I've always maintained that WT could have easily been the next
Pavarotti. He has a beautiful, booming tenor voice, which he
fortunately passed down to our opera singing daughter. This talent
is also displayed nightly, in his great ability to snore. I'm not talking
any old mundane snores, like I am known to do, from time to time.
No, no. He treats me to private sessions of the world's most brilliant
snore performances.
The most impressive, and hardest of all to sleep through, would have
to be the big, broad sweeping Old Man River snores. Forget William
Warfield. WT can snore circles around him. As we crossed the
Mississippi last week, I could see him down there, snoring away on
an old riverboat.
Then there's the charming, fast-clip Gilbert and Sullivan style snores.
These are known to make me climb the walls after 15 minutes, and
sometimes, but hardly ever, make this girl use a big, big D.
A particularly alarming snore, is one that sounds amazingly like a car
back firing. I fondly refer to this one as the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
snore. The mornings following this one, I'm ready to take him over to
Midas for a new muffler.
Last, and my least favorite, is the creepy Hitchcockesque snore. This
one sounds like the doorbell at the manor, when the button sticks.
It's a choking sound that makes me feel like I'm being slowly
strangled with a 1950s nylon stocking. I instinctively feel for my
sewing scissors in the dark.
Needless to say, after a week of encore performances, I'm happy to
be back home, safe and soundless with my handy dandy little snore
machine. I slept 12 straight snoreless hours last night. And don't
worry, my friends, I don't keep my sewing box anywhere near the
bed.
You are truly a connoisseur of snores (with emphasis on the "noisse" I suppose). Unfortunately, it has been reported to me that I too produce a variety of unfortunate sounds, although, when I wake myself up snoring, I must say that I've only heard very ordinary snores.
ReplyDelete(I've been enjoying your blog for months now, and thought I should delurk for a moment to thank you for delightful posts.)
Dr. M is a snorer. Mostly I can sleep through it - & actually find it comforting (oh, he IS breathing LOL). But when he's been drinking beer the term "sawing logs" is VERY accurate! I might as well bed down on the futon on those nights. Strangely, wine & hard liquor don't produce quite the volume that beer does.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, I love it when my readers "delurk"! I am also known to let out a little snore, now and then, but I can't compete with the master snorer.
ReplyDeleteBug, beer snores, eh? I must pay more attention to what beverage produces which snores. I would guess that the Old Man Rivers are from beer!
ReplyDeleteWillow - I mean this seriously. He might want to be checked out for sleep apnea. This is a potentially fatal ailment. I have it and it resulted in installation of a pacemaker when the apnea, which then caused atrial fibrillation, was discovered. I now use a c-pap machine every night and am told the snoring is gone. But I'm stuck with the heart disease as a result of it being undiscovered for so long.
ReplyDeleteToo funny. I have always lived with snorers--from my dad and brother to my ex-husband and Joe. (I actually met my ex-husband in college, when I worked in the library and was asked by the head librarian to please go over and wake up the gentleman sprawled on the sofa, snoring and tell him that he was distracting everyone else in the library.) I think his snore would have to be described as Wagnerian.
ReplyDeleteWow! Aren't you lucky! I guess we have to appreciate those comforting sounds of home.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the same thing as Catalyst. Not all snores are dangerous, of course, but the one you described as a "choking" sound, that sounds like sleep apnea to me. If he ever sounds like he stops breathing for any length of time, that is sleep apnea.
ReplyDeleteheehee a regular old snore symphony..nice. glad to hear you are sleeping better. smiles.
ReplyDeleteomg! you will get over a hundred comments on this post - earplugs for the past 10 years here!
ReplyDeleteCatalyst and Dorci, well, I am playing it up just a tad. He doesn't actually have any apnea, but I'll keep and eye, or ear, on him.
ReplyDeleteOh what great descriptions of snoring! My family tells me I snore loudly, but as I'm fast asleep when this happens, I continue to deny the reports!
ReplyDeleteLet me get this straight. Your husband snores, and you have a machine that you use that helps you sleep. Is that correct? If there is such a machine, I plead with you to tell me about it. My husband snores and I really believe he could out-snore just about anyone. I can't use those little rubber ear plugs, they irritate my ears. Gads. Tell me you have a secret machine, please.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could hear that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang snore...not while trying to sleep, however. That's quite a collection of snores you get to "enjoy". Thank goodness for your white noise machine.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to wake up often when the alarm rings.
ReplyDeleteI tend to snore a little if there's been any alcohol consumption (which probably means nightly if wine is considered alcohol...) But nothing compared to my hubby -- or yours I'm sure!
ReplyDeleteI kinda agree with Bug tho. When we were first married I found it comforting. Now it pretty much just annoys me if it gets too loud.
Glad you can sleep better now! And holy smokes... did you say 12 snoreless hours? haha I'll have to go check!
TechnoBabe, yes! It's called a white noise machine. It plays various background sound. My favorite is rain. Google it. Buy yourself one. They work!
ReplyDeleteI used to be in tears with husband's incredibly loud snoring. Earplugs were uncomfortable and second bedroom had daughter in it. Now daughter's left home,and I've discovered Bluetack for my ears (wonderful on holidays). Hilariously,but out of desperation, wads of Bluetack wedged in my ears saved my marriage and sanity, because breathing device machines were deemed unnecessary for him.Also separate bedrooms are bliss.My husband's harsh hacking snores could rattle windows.
ReplyDeleteA Brush w/Color, yes, Wagnerian! I wish I had thought of that description when writing this post!
ReplyDeleteAh... I never go anywhere without my nasal strips and earplugs. That way I'm protecting myself and others. I do want to be invited back, after all.
ReplyDeleteThat machine is a MUST. Nice see you back with another quality post.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant post! Luckily I married a man who only snores when on his back, and is easy to shove onto his side. Although on his side he can do a stange "popping" sound which has me murderous after 5 minutes of it. It's the silence whilst waiting for the next one that makes the adrenalin flood, I find.
ReplyDeleteMy father, however, was like Krakatoa erupting every ten seconds.
Hilarious descriptions Willow.My husband worked nights for most of our marriage, when he stopped, I just about died. He did have surgery and all, but it is true, the beer really puts a spin on it. However, when he's out of town with work, I really have a hard time sleeping without that occasional growl. I'm checking out your machine.
ReplyDeleteThis is something very wrong with this post and that is that you do not give a link to this magical machine for us to buy. You will be doing countless of women a huge favor.
ReplyDeleteI also thought of sleep apnea. I had a roommate last spring at an art retreat who did very strange breathing things in the night, some like you described. I had to leave the room and sleep in my car. I asked her about it the next day and she said she had sleep apnea. It was very disturbing to hear those sounds in the night.
ReplyDeleteEar plugs. white noise would not be enough to disguise snoring for me. Ear plugs or sleeping on the couch.
ReplyDeletesmall price, for a big heart :)
ReplyDeleteYoli, okay, I'll add a link!
ReplyDeleteKay, you are SO, so right!
I loved rxBambi's comment 'When we were first married I found it comforting.' In my case it would be about as comforting as treading on a rumba of rattlesnakes with my bare feet! As you know MOTH is as bad as WT, he's -ve for Sleep Apnoea, tried a C-Pap device for 3 nights before returning it via the plate glass front window of the store. I wander from guest room to guest room during the night to escape the cacophony. Your advice about the little White Noise machine is gold Willow - thank you.
ReplyDeleteMillie ^_^
I do need to try one of those white noise machines. My husband is a terrible snorer, also. And ear plugs don't work. They are uncomfortable for me to wear, (too big!) and I can hear the snoring plain as day right through them.
ReplyDeleteLife is not easy…snoring husband is one of aspects to say so!
ReplyDeleteDearest illused Willow, most definitely I prefer my concerts in the evening, pavarottesque or not.
ReplyDeleteMy mother was a snorer and in times gone by when my sister and I shared a room with her, the ensuing duet between them was quite a performance....but I was young and hardy and could sleep through a cylone then. Now when old faithful occasionally erupts next to me,I give him a gentle pat and he mostly obligingly stops.
Man I thought I had the snore champion. Even the grands can't sleep in the guest room cause he is so loud. I know he has sleep apnea. He will not go to the doctor. He finally agreed to take a room and bathroom upstairs and I have the ones downstairs. We meet in the morning for coffee, newspapers and plan our day. I have been sleeping for about 10 years really great. Maybe that is how we got to 50 years together.
ReplyDeleteQMM
LOL! WT's snores are much more entertaining than The Mister's! :) Glad you are back and sleeping better.
ReplyDeleteOne of the great delights of deafness is not being able to hear either the Good Lady Wife or Amy the Dog snore. I, of course, don't snore at all.
ReplyDeleteGreat post here, Willow. It puts me in mind of a chapter in Lynn Freed's book' Reading writing and Leaving Home' in which she talks about the power in fiction - she talks about fiction writing, but I'd argue it applies to non-fiction as well- of 'revenge': 'the power to expose, the power to reorder, the power to understand'.
ReplyDeleteSnoring is a great example. She writes about the wonderful snoring stories that come out at dibnnr parties and elsewhre for example here in your blog where we poor helpless souls at the mercy of our snoring beloveds can at some level pay them back by telling stories about their snoring.
My husband hates it when I talk about his habit, and instantly reminds me that I snore, too.
Most often I suspect we tell these stories out of a sort of love, but they are also a way of redressing the balance, especially late at night when we are exhausted and can't sleep because our beloved is conducting an orchestra of snores.
I must check out that white noise machine. Another way of redressing the balance and drowning out all unwanted sounds. Thanks
I hear you. Snoring makes me literally insane. I'm capable of real violence with snoring.
ReplyDeletewillow! nice take on the snoremiester! i snore. apparently. the loved one snores also but dainty little nsuffle snores. i can live with those - well i do i guess. mine can be irritating - apparently. happily i don't have to listen. ignorance is bliss. have a peaceful night at the manor. steven
ReplyDeleteYou do have quite a way with words Willow! I think only you could describe snoring in such an interesting way. I love those sound machines.
ReplyDeleteYou are brave indeed to go back to sleep after a Hitchcock snore..anyone for The Birds?
ReplyDeleteI thought only infants slept for 12 hrs...that's 2 days worth for me..Im jealous!
Lyn, my normal is 6 hours a night, but after a week of practically none, 12 felt mighty nice!
ReplyDeleteSleep apnea?
ReplyDeletewhat is said machine? My hubby may need one, he wears ear plugs right now because I'm a log sawer apparently!!!
ReplyDeletemy husband's snoring is getting worse, so note made on the machine for down the road.
ReplyDeleteand because he travels so much , I find it that much harder when he returns to "get used to it".
Too funny! My husband can, on occasion (usually after a good deal of Scotch when we've had friends over,) produce such virtuoso snoring. He responds well to an elbow in the side and a request to roll over but sometimes the sounds are so truly amazing that I just lie there and listen. I have been known to laugh out loud in the middle of the night.
ReplyDeleteMy father was a champion snorer. You couldn't sleep anywhere in the house and NOT hear him at night. I don't know how my mother did it....slept I mean.
ReplyDeleteYou are hilarious Willow! I too share my bed with a fellow snorer.
ReplyDeleteI, like The Bug, find it strangely comforting. I guess because I have been privy to it for 25 years.
You were indeed treated to a sensational snoozlelum snörgåsbord.
So funny!
Be careful when you start hearing tunes and songs in the snores.... -J
ReplyDeleteWhat a nightly uproar...anyone up for a swift elbow to said snorer? Actually the white noise machine sounds wonderful. This has all been too funny!
ReplyDeleteHa. funny. What an accomplishment:
ReplyDelete"the world's most brilliant
snore performances!"
It's been as amusing reading the comments as it was reading WT's playlist.
ReplyDeleteYour description of the different snoring methods was nothing short of brilliant.
ReplyDeleteStrangled with a 1950's nylon stocking while groping for your sewing shears? Hilarious!
Hi Wills.
ReplyDeleteSadly, Lady Magnon snores for both Sweden & England. A serious window rattler.
ReplyDeleteBisou, Cro.
You crack me up.....
ReplyDeleteI can't help but laugh, I too had a Husband that snored.
You know now I have a Dog
that talks in his sleep.
My husband had sleep Apnea.
Check it out..
yvonne
are you sure that chitty chitty bang bang 'BACK FIRE' noise really came from the top half of the body ?
ReplyDeletehahahaha
xx
Oh, god, snoring is going to kill me. Seriously. I haven't had a good night's sleep in 10 years...
ReplyDeleteDoes the machine really work? I have the highest Db earplugs known to man, and it's still impossible.
Does it work well? I might want to get one too, to block out snoring as well as petulant meowing and assertive chirping.
ReplyDeleteI hate to be the one to leave a bummer comment here, but I just have to say that I would give anything to be able to fall asleep again listening to my late husband's snores. After you lose someone you love, even their annoying habits suddenly become endearing in your mind. But let's not go there here. Your blog is usually delightfully lighthearted, Willow, and it's great. Mine, on the other hand, tends to lean toward the gloomy side. That's probably because I'm depressed! But hey, I get at least three comments on every blog and my loyal followers number in the twenties! Uh, make that the low twenties, um, 22, last I checked. That's if no one's dropped me this week. Twenty-two's not really an accurate count, however, since three of my followers are the same person. You, on the other hand, have so many blinkin' comments everytime I read your blog that I just have to get in line and wait. Then I blissfully rattle on down here at the bottom with total abandon about whatever I want. Seriously, do you always read all the way to the end of your excessively long list of comments? Why? Most of them are boring! At least I try to make it worth the trip if you make it all the way down here. Golly, Willow, if my blog was as popular as yours, I'd not only read every single one of my comments every single time I blogged, I'd personally email each person to thank them individually. Then I'd visit all their blogs, too, and leave nice comments on every single one of theirs. HA! Yeah, right! And then I'd go throw myself in front of a bus because I am simply incapable of being that friggin' NICE! You, however, my upbeat far-away friend, appear to be handling the adoration of your multitude of readers, just fine. That must be because you're the genuine article; you're just being who you really are, which is how it should be. So keep on bloggin' on, my dear. You're so widely read because you're real darn good at this-here bloggin' thang. So, how do you like these raisins? That's about all I have to say for now, so over and out, nightie noodles from ... where else? North Idaho! Home of Patty Duke! Hey! I think hear her out there right now, saying, "Bye-eeeee ~~~~~."
ReplyDeleteDoes the white noise machine drown him out or does it make you so relaxed you no longer care. I have a vested interest with this question - Mr FF sometimes snores and I sneak into another room. This machine could be just what I need
ReplyDeleteI've just read Donna's comment and it's one of the best I've read. In fact I am off to visit her now
ReplyDeleteHere's Lynn Freed's actual quote from 'Reading, Writing and Leaving Home':
ReplyDelete'Consider the subject of snoring. Snoring stories abound because the great majority of snorers seem to be men, the stories themselves are often told by women. To see a man - upright, shirt and tie, a wineglass knowingly to his lips - reduced by a snoring story to a slack-jawed monstrosity of darkness is to know he very nature of female revenge...'
There's more to the quote than this, but it's an interesting take on snoring stories.
The older The First Sergeant gets the louder he snores....
ReplyDeleteIf I snore, I don't hear it ;)
We can all relate...thanks for the link to the white noise machine : )
ReplyDeleteWe once went camping with my wife's sister and her husband, our tents pitched on opposite camping sites.
ReplyDeleteWe were unaware her husband snored until we were kept awake all night by the noise, which in the quiet of the back woods of Northern Ontario rivaled the roar of Niagara Falls.
At least we had no fear of bears wandering into the camp sites that night.
I don't know whether I possess WT's tenor voice but what I do know is that my wife could do without the rumbling tractor sleeping next to her. :-) Even my children humour me every now and then when they sneak into our bedroom and hear the sleeping giant from Jack and the Beanstalk sleeping in our house. :-)
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
Greetings from London.
I am LAUGHING! AND, LAUGHING!
ReplyDeleteMy father-in-law may be able to rival WT. When the in-laws come to visit...my children talk and talk about ALL the different and LOUD snores that Pap makes...ME? I am glad when it is time for him to go home as it keeps Hubbie and I AWAKE!!!!!!
Hello Willow,
ReplyDeleteIsn't it strange how the snorer rarely hears himself? but just occasionally they wake themselves up, with such a surprised look on their face!
Very informative about snores, I will never think of them the same way again. Jerry's snores only bother me when I have a bout of insomnia which comes and goes; when it happens I get up and move to another room and read anyway. He says I snore very loudly at times too, which is a new phenomena for me here in retirement land...
ReplyDeleteI guess I missed that you were gone, noticed other condolences and will include mine now.
This is a damn funny post. I read parts of it aloud over breakfast to my husband, who, lately, has, um, been complaining about, um, well, er, my snoring.
ReplyDeleteI could totally identify with the Hitchcockesque snore...and happy to say that I don't miss it one bit.
ReplyDeleteI've worn out two sound radios through the years and now have a handy travel size for Scratchy's big mouth when doing overnighters in rest areas...ha! Fun post, I identified with ALL!!!
What is with this word verification...thegeex...???????
sharon
Hubby is a snorer and I tell ya.... I just have to leave the room and go find another bed in the house if I want to get any sleep at all. NO SLEEP = ME GRUMPY
ReplyDeleteDI
The Blue Ridge Gal
Oh, and the dog snores too!!!
Willow, I came over from Suki's blog.... first, I must say it is great to discover a fellow blogger who likes (perhaps loves) Opera!
ReplyDeleteHow wonderful - as it is my favourite form of music.
As for your post on snoring....hilarious! Thankfully your husband does not snore in Wagnerian tones! My ex- snored only when sleeping on his side... but as I am a very light sleeper, it was hard to "ignore"....wish I had known about the "white noise" machine then.... but, at least I do now!
Hugs from San Francisco,
♥ Robin ♥
how inventive you are with your opera / snore comparisons!! this made me smile! fortunately (for me) i'm the snorer in my marriage. bill gives me a tiny shake when it gets too much for him and i roll over so he can get some sleep. me? my snoring doesn't bother me at all. hee hee
ReplyDeleteIt seems most of us women are treated to a "singing" snoring husband. Mine can't carry a tune in a bucket so nothing to write home about.
ReplyDeleteI do love some opera, which my husband detests so no future prospects of melodic snoring.
Unfortunately I have joined him in a duet which I seriously doubt is melodic.
This is a tremendous repertoire of snores, Willow! Does he tend to fall asleep before you do? How does he feel about the white noise machine?
ReplyDeleteMost delightful post. Back in '96, Mr. B refused to sleep in the same room with me. And RockStarSon would come down crying b/c I snored so loudly. Mr. B said I stopped breathing a couple times a night. Had a sleep study, and lo and behold, I turns out I had sleep apnea. SEVERE sleep apnea. Mr. B totally misjudged my episodes. I stopped breathing 40 times an hours!!! Surprised the heck out of the sleep lab tech. He'd never seen anyone my size have it. They put me on a cpap, and life took one a whole new look. Oh, and Mr. B has one now, too. We sure look silly, but we can say awake through the day--mostly
ReplyDeleteI can picture Willow the Maestro conducting WT. What causes snoring? Allergies? I think so. I will be so bold to say it "I'm a snorer". I lost a lot of potential mates this way. If only I got a nose job (that may have made it worse). My dear grandpa use to snore in his sleep. I will never forget the sound "Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy". It was haunting. I could never fall asleep after the snoring began. When you tried to sleep it would be like a clash of cymbals after listening to the quiet nymph-like music of Dvorzak. Thinks Catayst has the scoop on the nighly nasal noctures. Get help! It is too late for me! Get the snaz fixed!
ReplyDeleteWhat is this wonderful machine? I have considered radical nasal larynxial surgery and sometimes even uxorcide. I never thought that I could wear something. Earplugs just don't screen enough out.
ReplyDeleteMarc, click on "white noise machine" in the body of my post and it will show you a few examples. It doesn't completely drown the sound, but it muffles it enough for me to get to sleep. I love it.
ReplyDeleteStrangely, wine & hard liquor don't produce quite the volume that beer does.
ReplyDeletedata entry work from home
Yes, I hate those choking sounds too...your story, written after 12 hours of good sleep? That is why it's funny, now...
ReplyDeleteI always thought white noise machines were dumb, til I tried one. Now I'm a believer.
ReplyDeleteAs for the snoring, don't you have a marital elbow? It works during the nighttime, too.
(Comment moderation is not nearly as fun as word verification. Just sayin'.)